The Complete A-Z Guide To Hating The Yankees

A Royals-Yankees playoff series means it's time to remind KC fans why we hate.

Note: This piece was originally published in 2013 at Pine Tar Press. I have updated some of the references, but the original intent remains. And if you happen to be a Yankee fan reading this, it’s (mostly) all in good fun. Besides, you should be used to it by now.

Gather ‘round, kids. You may not understand why us older Royals fans hate the Yankees so much. Or you may think it boils down to jealousy, or the Royals’ 66-156 record against them since 1994. While those are a part of it, take it from me, it goes much deeper.

See, many years ago, the Royals and Yankees were bitter rivals. Had ESPN as we now know it existed in the late 1970s and early 1980s, Royals-Yankees games would have been as inescapable then as Red Sox-Yankees games are now. Four ALCS meetings in five years? That’s how you generate a heated rivalry. 

But, really, it goes back even farther than the 1976 ALCS. Back to the Kansas City A’s. Back to the Kansas City Blues, at one time the Yankees’ top farm team. And probably beyond that.

So, as a service for all you youngsters who don’t remember firsthand the Pine Tar Game, or Freddie Patek crying in the dugout, or anything else that made this a memorable rivalry before the Royals turned into a bumbling franchise and the Yankees began buying up every talented player in sight, I present The Complete A-Z Guide To Hating The Yankees.

A is for Arnold Johnson, who finagled his way into Major League Baseball by purchasing both Yankee Stadium and Blues Stadium in Kansas City. Soon after, aided and abetted by his cozy relationship with Yankee owner Jacob Ruppert, Johnson was owner of the Philadelphia A’s. Now, it is true that Johnson moved the A’s here, establishing Kansas City as a major-league city. But, it is obvious in retrospect that he was still in league with the Yankees. Look at any trade made with New York while the A’s were owned by Johnson—invariably, it involved old players and cash (always cash) coming to KC while younger, better players went to New York. After years of being home to the Yankees’ farm team, it was a slap in the face to finally have a major league team in KC, only to have it continue functioning as a developmental unit for New York.

B is for Billy Martin, who was certainly a terrific manager. Until his players or front office got sick of him, which usually took 4-5 months. Martin was famous for run-ins with his own players, the umpires, the media, the occasional marshmallow salesman, and so on. Essentially, Martin was a great baseball mind who acted like a spoiled three-year-old in public on numerous occasions. 

C is for Chris Chambliss, who hit the series-winning homer in Game 5 of the 1976 ALCS. Now, Chambliss was universally hailed as a good man in his playing days, and I have no reason to doubt that, so I’ll just say this: given the Yankee fans running all over the field after the ball went over the fence, he still hasn’t touched home plate.

D is for Dave Winfield, another good man. This is more about Yankee owner George Steinbrenner, who threw a pile of cash at Winfield in free agency in 1981, then later said he thought the pile of cash was supposed to be smaller. Seriously, he signed him to a 10-year contract with cost-of-living increases that could have made it worth $23 million, but thought it would be closer to $16 million. When the Boss discovered this, he began a very public vendetta against his future Hall of Fame right fielder. In short, the Yankees didn’t deserve Dave Winfield. Also, keep this in mind the next time some Yankee fan tells you how Steinbrenner was a great owner who only cared about winning and not money, blah blah blah.

E is for ESPN, which functions as a second network for the Yankees, in addition to the YES Network.

F is for fans, as in bandwagon fans. The Yankees have lots of them. You’ll certainly see some of them at the K during this series. They’ll be cheering for their pinstriped heroes, yet doing so with distinctly Midwestern accents. It’s unfortunate that these kinds of people are still allowed to vote. Anyway, you can always annoy them by reminding them that their favorite NFL team gave up 48 points in their most recent playoff game and then gave Dak Prescott and his 2-5 postseason record an insanely large raise. 

G is for Graig Nettles, who famously got in a fight with George Brett in the 1977 ALCS when Brett slid into third, offending Nettles’ delicate sensibilities. Amazingly, neither player was thrown out of the game. Can you imagine the 24-hour chattering if such a thing happened today? Also, that is NOT the way to spell “Greg.”

H is for Highlanders, which used to be the name of the American League franchise in New York. That was a much cooler nickname. They should have kept it.

I is for “I’ve never heard of him,” which is what you’ll hear if you question a Yankee fan about Alvaro Espinoza, or Oscar Azocar, or Mike Pagliarulo, or any other member of the 1990 Yankees. See, the 1990 Yankees went 67-95 and finished last in the AL East. Ergo, no Yankee fan you’ll see at the K is familiar with them.

J is for John Sterling, who may have been the most annoying radio play-by-play announcer in major league history. Even if you don’t know who he is, you’ve heard him: “The Yankees win! Th-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh  Yankees win!” For some reason, despite the knowledge that 29 other fanbases hate the Yankees and want to see them lose 162 games every year, various media outlets liked to play this soundbite from time to time.

K is for Kyle Farnsworth, who was a Yankee once. Good enough.

L is for Long Ways Away, which is the distance between Kansas City and New York. So if someone you know is a Yankee fan despite being from here, I would seriously wonder about them. If they had to jump on a bandwagon, couldn’t it at least have been the Cardinals? At least they play somewhat close to the area.

M is for Maier, as in Jeffrey. Remember him? Little rugrat who altered Game 1 of the 1996 ALCS by reaching over the fence at Yankee Stadium and grabbing a fly ball off the bat of Derek Jeter. Below Maier’s grubby little hands, Orioles outfielder Tony Tarasco waited to catch the ball. In the kind of gift call the Yankees usually get, this was somehow ruled a home run. A game-tying home run. Even worse, instead of the escort to the exits and subsequent spanking he should have received, Maier was treated like some sort of hero, appearing on talk shows and getting prime seats behind the dugout during that postseason.

N is for “New York, New York.” The Yankees have ruined this classic Frank Sinatra song for everyone else by playing it after home wins (which admittedly happens often). 

O is for O’Neill, as in Paul O'Neill. Remember how he would get mad and smash water coolers in the dugout, or spike his helmet after making an out? Instead of referring to this sort of behavior as the kind that would get a five-year-old in timeout, the media loved it, as it was clear evidence of his “competitiveness.” Sure, anyone who has played sports has been insanely frustrated at some point. Most of us figure out some other way to handle it than property destruction.

P is for Patek, as in the aforementioned Freddie Patek. He was the Royals’ shortstop in the 1976, 1977, and 1978 AL Championship Series. Patek was a fan favorite not just for his play, but for the fact he was  5’5” and 148 pounds. After he grounded into a double play to end the deciding game of the 1977 ALCS, cameras caught him weeping in the Royals’ dugout. The Yankees made Freddie Patek cry. On his birthday, even. Pick on someone your own size, jerks.

Q is for Quiet, which was what the Yankee Stadium crowd was after George Brett’s epic home run off Goose Gossage in the 1980 ALCS. Exceptionally quiet. Library quiet. The way Yankee fans should be.

R is for Robinson Cano. Or Reggie Jackson. Or Rich Gossage. Or Rickey Henderson. Take your pick.

S is for Steinbrenner. Most Yankee fans you meet will recall George Steinbrenner fondly as the man who made all the winning possible. That’s because they weren’t around when he was changing managers and coaches every year, making crazy trades, making insanely stupid free agent signings, or picking public fights with his best and most popular players. Let’s face it, the key to most of Steinbrenner’s success was backing out of the baseball operations, and then the Yankees having the local TV revenue to keep their best players, simply by luck of geography.

T is for well, Television Dollars. Look, I used to complain about the Yankees’ payroll incessantly. I’ve come to the belief that that is misguided. Baseball’s revenue sharing has helped level the playing field a little. And like Buck O'Neil said, they can only put nine guys out there at a time. Still, the Yankees have an incredible built-in advantage by playing in the largest market (and being the more-established team in that market; sorry, Mets). But I’d love to see how much money they could rake in just holding a series of intrasquad scrimmages. You see, all those TV viewers are gone without other teams for the Yankees to play.

U is for Underdog. The Yankees never get to know what it’s like to be one. How sad.

V is for Violence. Hang around outside Yankee Stadium. Or inside. You’re bound to see some soon.

W is for Whining. I’m sure any Yankee fan who’s made it this far is accusing me of whining. But look, the Yankees are a tremendous franchise with a proud history. And even some likable players. But that doesn’t mean I like the franchise, most of its fans, or the very idea of the Yankees.

X is for 10 in Roman numerals. Ten years ago, the Royals won the American League pennant. The next year, they won the World Series. The last time the mighty Yankees did those things was 2009. Let’s keep it that way.

Y is for Yawn. Because most Yankee games (especially against the Red Sox or in the postseason) turn into four-hour ordeals where you can watch their players take borderline pitch after borderline pitch without any fear of having a strike called on them.

Z is for Zen. Because after getting all that off my chest, I feel calmer. At least until tonight’s game.